There is something that is so liberating about facing your biggest fear. I feel like I could fly. I’m sure that knowing that I’m leaving in 8 days helps. Wait a minute, it was supposed to be 6 more days. I think the doctor tacked on 2 more days because she will be in Italy. How did that happen? That seems to be how things happen in my life if I’m not vigilant.That is challenging when hyper-vigilance is something that I’m trying to detox.

Today a cheerful aide entered my room and announced, “today’s shower day for you.” And here I was trying to figure out how my private caregiver could kidnap me and give me a shower at home and get me back for my next IV. For a year I have made jokes about going through Wizard carwash, the local car wash and today I had a similar experience. Rub a dub dub 2 women in the shower. I got to experience another woman’s Story a caregiver named Melanie. Finally, someone I can talk about Obama to. She showed me pictures of her biracial children so I felt safe to speak lovingly about Barack. While I was getting my nails clean, I remember the feelings on my 1st day here which was only 2 days ago.  in a total panic. I reflected that panic in the e-mails that I sent out. “Quick. Get me out of here.” I wanted to add, “while I still can.”

I also remembered a flash when I 1st got here. One of my old teachers used to say which I hated, by the way, “fear is desire.” I remember a momentary feeling of potential safety when the anonymous wheelchair pusher said, “for many of the people, this is home.” I noticed the internal reaction and shelved it fast. Now while I feel safer in myself I can begin to look at the contents on the shelf. There is such a sense of lack of safety in my field to which I had become impervious. Now that I am aware, could there be a connection between an unacknowledged need and a primal bald-faced terror?