In 1985, I became pregnant. I know the exact moment it happened (sorry Jordan). I felt a pain in my kidney and knew it was a kidney infection. I went to my OB/GYN and his son was covering for him. I told him I had a kidney infection and needed an antibiotic that wouldn’t affect a fetus because I was two days pregnant. He asked me if I missed my menstrual period recently and that’s how I knew. I told him, “no, I conceived two days ago.” He was shocked and amused. He clearly didn’t believe me. After a pregnancy test he was a believer.

Nine months later, Jordan was born. There were already four powerful people in our household: his father, me, my daughter and his father’s daughter. Two sisters in one household, that’s a lot of fire energy.  What was also true was that there was a presence in that powder blue and yellow room next to mine. He did not look like a Gerber baby, as his sister had. It reminds me of that commercial or that comedy skit where people look into a stroller and see this midget in a baby bonnet. Everybody who met him made the comment that he was an old soul. Everybody. Even people who don’t speak of souls. When I was sent his astrology chart, I was not surprised. The goddess would not put a whimp in that household to fend for himself.

I think Casey thought that this was her baby. She had been asking me for a brother or sister for years. She was seven when he was born so she was very capable of holding him and feeding him etc. She disagreed with my laissez-faire parenting and she pushed to get her way a lot. I let her get her way, and in retrospect, that was a mistake. Not only did she feel overly in control, but she also felt overly responsible. Whether the latter is a common trait of the firstborn child, my collusion exacerbated it. It is interesting, the mistakes we make as parents and how we cannot see them until they cannot be reversed.

Jordan’s path was neither linear nor direct. He had a lot of corrections along the way. It’s easy to feel responsible as the parent–should I have corrected more? Nevertheless, Jordan has a huge heart. His ego needed to be tamed a bit to allow that heart to lead.

Living with a chronic life-threatening illness, I never know how much time I will have with them. This blog is affording me a creative way to leave them more of myself. I thank the blog gods for that.

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