When someone has a significant illness, it can be that the physical body is wanting to come into balance. I believe that this can be true of depression, addictions and anxiety as well. The greater the disruption, the greater the need for balance and wholeness. This is a shamanic perspective. Shamanism is a method of healing where the practitioner accesses the spirit world in order to mend the soul, which can then help the body to heal. When my symptoms began, I embarked on a deeper level of intimacy by closely observing my thoughts, my dream state and meditation state. I began to become aware of the themes that were recurring.

In an earlier entry, I mentioned hearing the expression “with the symptoms comes the Renaissance.” Around that time I had a significant vision. I saw two little hands on either side of my face and a child’s face looking into mine from a three-inch distance. She clearly wanted me to look at her with no distractions. Soon after seeing that image I began having many dreams of infants and toddlers. What was similar about these children was that they were dirty and unkempt. In one dream I was at a swimming pool and I forgot where the child was. I was terrified that because of my negligence she could have drowned. These dreams continue for the first few years. As I began to heal the fragments inside, the child dreams shifted. The later dreams presented a child who was clean and felt more connected to me. After a few more years, there was tremendous love and bonding between the child and me.

It is very interesting that my biological children had the same complaint about me, that I was distracted and they wanted more time with me. Often times the clues to our healing are all around us if we are willing to see them and in order to see them we have to be willing to change. If we don’t hear them initially, they will be repeated over and over again until we do. The nudge will be light at first, but will soon become more demanding. I seem to have needed a sledgehammer to get my attention many times.

I have found that my healing happens in layers. I have recently gotten to another layer. What has been wanting my attention lately had to do with an issue related to my caregivers. I tend to caregive my caregivers. This is a pattern that I believe started in utero. Often times there is a pattern that we think we understand and once we work deeply with it the opposite is really true. My mother was a very strong woman. When she developed cancer, my whole world was shaken. My internal story line was, “she is my rock, how could I possibly be okay without her?” At the time I was doing some pretty deep energy work. One day a light bulb went off and I realized that in fact the opposite was true. I realize that I had been her rock all of these years. When I realized that, all my life relationships shifted, and I realized that this was true about all my significant relationships. I thought that I was the weaker one in the relationship, while in reality I had been the one taking care of the other. My body had to break down for me to be able to see this.

The more I realized the depth of this truth, the more I saw that this was the lie on which the whole illness was built. In meditations, I’ve seen over and over again the ways that this “turnaround” was being presented to me. But I had been either unwilling or unable to see  it in the past. I can remember over twenty years ago when a psychiatrist turned guru presented me with the truth and I saw it for a moment. My whole body started shaking and I couldn’t speak for about twenty minutes. The truth wanted to be revealed, but I was not ready.

In recent months, as I have become more vulnerable physically, I’ve hired caregivers. Again, I began to take care of my caregivers.  The pattern was insidious. I started to have “child” dreams again. This time I was home and taking care of business when somebody brought a child over to my house. I suddenly realized that I did not know where the child went. I ran all over, desperately looking, feeling like I was in trouble. Then I realized I was not responsible for this child. To me, the message was to stop taking care of other people’s lost children. I’ll be damned. So every time I find myself becoming over involved in this way, I repeat the mantra, “I am not responsible for your child.” Every time I realize that I let go and EVERY TIME it is a huge relief.