Sometimes you can tell what your primary curriculum is if you notice what keeps showing up over and over again. For me, surrendering my will is what keeps being called for.

stub·born/ˈstəbərn/
Adjective: Having or showing dogged determination not to change one’s attitude or position on something, esp. in spite of good arguments or reasons…Difficult to move, remove, or cure.

I was a willful, stubborn child. One of the qualities people seem to like most about me is my steadfastness. I have a tendency to be very determined in my beliefs. When I seize on a protocol or a treatment plan, I won’t give up until I have completed it or I believe it is ineffective and usually both are true. After twenty years of proactivity regarding this illness, I am beginning to wonder whether the trajectory can even be altered. Perhaps the teaching involves the means employed, and my attitude towards those means, rather than the end result. When I say “people who seem to like that about me,” that isn’t completely true. I do remember a lot of power struggles with other willful people, and I remember the frustration people experienced who really care about me personally. I can cry at that. Of course, these patterns will always be more apparent with parents, children, and spouses.

When I think about it logically, it makes perfect sense to plan a curriculum to treat dogged (sorry Basha) determination by setting up circumstances that cannot be altered by will. Imagine the benefit of becoming okay with chaos or being out of control? Perhaps it is in the surrendering of will where true power is manifested. This can be a slippery slope because I can seize the opportunity to try to control in a counterintuitive way. However, maturing on a spiritual level demands integrity. As Oprah says, “when you know better, you do better.” To know better and not do better would be a breach of integrity. I think I’m beginning to know better.

I returned home from the doctor’s appointment, which revealed another dead end. There is no sediment in my bladder to be causing recurring UTIs. The alleged diagnosis I lived with for the last month (perhaps I should call it a hypothesis) and went through two hospitalizations and sustained a secondary broken ankle for was nullified in give minutes in the urologist’s office today.

If my theory is correct and I created a curriculum as challenging as this appears, I must be kick-ass courageous. Since I believe in my heart of hearts that the Universe is a safe and loving place, that can be my only interpretation.

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