When I was younger I was in an abusive relationship. He would drink alcohol and call me names that were disrespectful and hurtful. He knocked me down a few times and when I tried to stand up to him the resulting consequences were much more severe. I was totally clueless about how to deal with this situation. I became an abused wife. I didn’t stay in the situation for very long, but more than five minutes was way too long.

I rationalized and said that now that I am out of it I can help others. I learned how I did not want to live. I thought it was over and a part of my past. I realize that that experience could never have happened if there wasn’t something in me that mirrored that behavior, kind of like a receptor. I say this with no self blame, none. I realize that something in me has continued the pattern.

With the illness, I have had to look closely at my internal conversations. “How did I create this?” “What legacy am I leaving my children?” “Did my fears attract this illness?” Thirty years later, I see the same perpetrator in different clothing.  The voice is more cunning–“Have I manifested this?”almost sounds spiritual. Something that needs to be released has remained intact. I hear the self-centeredness in all of these statements. Even seemingly true spiritual teachings can brutalize. The perpetrator is within. Had that not been the case, there would’ve been no opening for the abusive behavior to take root. I often wondered why I couldn’t just walk away from the situation as I have seen others do. There was an opening that I needed to become aware of. Had I not experienced that situation, I would never see the present reenactment. You cannot change what you don’t acknowledge.

It takes so much courage to live with your eyes open. People willing to read this blog are in that category. We are in good company.

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