I have always thought of myself as a fearful person. I was afraid to go to school, afraid of the teachers, afraid to speak out. When I explored further I realized that I was really afraid of leaving my mother home alone. I was afraid for her as well as for myself. I just know that I was worried about her. I suspect that I absorbed her own personal demons in the form of fear. Being fearful was a pattern that was so much a part of me that it didn’t feel separate from me. When I was becoming clear about the “lie underneath the illness,” and I realized that I had been my mother’s rock all of those years rather than the other way around, I started to see through the illusion of my fearfulness. After all, I rode a motorcycle in college and took solo trips to the keys, rode an elephant as a functional quadriplegic, jumped off zip lines and mountains in California without blinking an eye, flew to India three times with grave disability, and that barely scratches the surface. And scarier than that, I was always the designated driver when driving in New York City!

I suspect that fear was merely a “racket” as described in Transactional Analysis. A racket is a tendency to use one feeling to cover up other vulnerable feelings not ready to be revealed. It is a defense mechanism to defend against anxiety. It is the ego’s way of keeping something hidden. Believing in the racket leads to the development of a false sense of self and, the longer the illusion is perpetuated, the farther a person is from living a life with authenticity. I have been living under the illusion that I am a fearful individual and I have convinced some others of this, though not all. Perhaps this is why I chose Marianne Williamson’s quote so centrally for this blog. Thank you Marianne and thank you my sisters for having the vision to see through this illusion. (And thank you Alex for posting this entry. Without you I wouldn’t have a blog.)

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