Sometimes we effect our own karma from the false beliefs that we create in our mind. Guilt and shame can be huge burdens that chain us to oppressive patterns. I have had a hard time coming to terms with what I see are my limitations. I have been arrogant. I have been self-righteous. I have been a victim. I have perpetrated. So what. I am a spiritual being having a human experience. I have taken on too much responsibility for others to avoid feeling powerless. I have judged. I am human. Somehow feeling these oppressive patterns almost gives me a false sense of control. It is really good to be aware of this. And now it is time to let it all go. It’s time to get off the merry-go-round.

It is self forgiveness that I have the most difficulty with. Self empathy. That is the core of Marshall Rosenberg’s work, nonviolent communication or compassionate communication. That is what I was so drawn to in this work and still am. Softening to my self, my hurting heart. My heart cries oceans of tears to cleanse the spirit. It is time to have empathy for the self.

Who am I really? I am really very dear. I’m about the dearest person I know. And courageous. There is not much that I won’t face head on. And from such a powerless physical state, it requires so much more.

I just received an e-mail from my former roommate, the one who orginally begged me to go to therapy because she couldn’t hear my suffering anymore. She reads my blog and awaits each entry with enthusiasm. We haven’t seen each other in maybe thirty years. She took a risk and reached out to me. I could tell it wasn’t easy for her to do. I was feeling very overwhelmed with the move to Colorado and all of the orientation that needs to happen. Many of my old patterns are resurfacing which shouldn’t be a surprise. It is now in the trenches that the practice of self empathy needs to intensify.

So let us all, however many we are, even if it is just Lucetta and me, take a moment and reflect on who we truly are. In a previous spiritual school a bell would ring and we would remember ourselves. BONG.

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