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“Good or bad, happy or sad, all thoughts vanish into emptiness like the imprint of a bird in the sky.” –Chögyam Trungpa

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 There is a certain lightness that is required when beginning to formulate my thoughts around a new blog entry. This past month has been anything but light as there has been much change in my daily life. Although I entered into change consciously and willingly, the anxiety that ensued was breathtaking. This has been the longest lapse of time between blog entries since I began my writing journey more than a year ago. There are times when my process just requires witnessing the internal storm and waiting for inspiration.

 

A ten month period of accelerated growth has just completed. There was a gradual perception of contention developing within my caregiving team generated by one particular caregiver. Because of a sense of avoidance of conflict on my part accompanied by a knowing that confronting the discord would not be simple, the conflict began to spread. Objectively, the caregiver in question is a good person, but has limited interpersonal skills. As conflict began to spread among the various caregivers, when the hostility began to be directed at me personally, I knew that inaction was not acceptable; I could not afford to have unresolved conflict in my field and expect to maintain an environment of healing.

 

When the hostility began to escalate, I used these circumstances as a mode of practicing nonviolent communication. Initially this was very empowering and effective, however as the aberrant behavior escalated, it became clear to me that I needed to be more assertive; I needed to show up in a powerful way without adding to the aggression. What came to me during a meditation was that I needed to meet the aggression head on. I recognized this as part of my soul teaching of owning my power. At a point in my journey where I have minimal physical strength, cowering from intimidation is the last experience in which I need to engage. I began to see this challenge as an opportunity for which I was deeply grateful. My “teacher” was formidable and I could concurrently feel love and appreciation for her. The metaphor that came to me in a vision was that of a samurai warrior. I needed to meet each aggressive thrust with equal power. Proof of my effectiveness would be evident if the aggression escalated or was neutralized. My weapon was fierce honesty without wavering with the slightest ambivalence. I could not have carried this off successfully without being grounded in empathy for Self or empathy for other. My nonviolent communication group questioned my intention initially, but my clarity was unshakable; the results were without question.

 

Having been born with my sun sign in Cancer, sidestepping conflict like a crab had been a recurring theme in my life that needed transformation. The belief in victimization had been a central imprint which also needed to be reworked. The latter insidious pattern had become evident as early as in my birth process where most significant imprints begin. Many years of work with Holotropic breathwork, both as a practitioner and a trainer, enabled this deep work.

 

Despite the significance of my progress, and perhaps as a result of this shift, profound anxiety was present. Due to the changes that were consciously set in motion, there was no primary caregiver living on my property for many weeks. The level of anxiety I experienced was irrational when I considered how independent I was 90% of the time. However logic did not diminish the anxiety and as a result I began to interview people from a place of desperation and fear. When I saw this pattern clearly, despite the anxiety, I chose to forgo my present strategy. As an inspiration, it came to me that I needed to take a month and clear the energy on my property for the first time in four years. No decisions were to be made during that time. Despite the overwhelming anxiety, I felt confident that this was the right decision. A batik style painting adorns my wall which reads, Let Go and Let God.” This message constantly challenged me during this pivotal and fateful month.

 

As the month progressed, I was able to put my energy into the studio building where the new primary caregiver would eventually live. I completely repaired and repainted the walls and had a shamanic healer clear the energy of both buildings. Not surprisingly, she found that the energy was inextricably entwined in a synergistic way between the buildings. After a month, my anxiety continued but my relationship to it shifted. After many interviews I found myself with three viable options for primary caregivers although none were without at least one complication. Unexpectedly, a new caregiver with whom I’d had a fortuitous history came to me and requested the relationship. We had visited this possibility in the past, but the timing was never right.

 

Once again I am grateful for the teachings that occur when I have faith and do the right thing. Letting go of my familiar fears and trusting a deeper Knowing liberates both myself and others. This may not have been my last encounter with standing my ground unequivocally, but each time I am able to move from victimization to empowerment, I am reaching a critical mass toward that end.

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