“Should you shield the canyons from the windstorms, you would never see the beauty in their carvings.”–Elisabeth Kubler–Ross

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Lynne Kaplan Artography

When I was a child there was a rule of thumb; rarely would you have two girls visit if you could at all avoid it. That could be a recipe for disaster–three girls together. I don’t know what it was about three when I was young, but it surely could elicit conflict. I wonder if it is specific to our culture or if it is a human characteristic. Triangles surely offer an evocative relationship dynamic. In relationship theory, there is a term called triangulation where a couple draws in a third person to relieve anxiety in the original dyad. Anxiety is usually a symptom of tension that is building when the couple needs to undergo change for greater authenticity. The tension increases when being confronted openly and takes much integrity and spiritual developmentto make the necessary shift, but this is the high road for which most people are not prepared. Often drama is engendered when the couple cannot meet the level of authenticity required.

Another manifestation of triangles is when the energy of two forces becomes polarized. As the two forces move toward changing to a greater equilibrium, the polarization escalates. When a mediating third enters the field, transformation can happen. The art of mediation is an example of this process.

When I went to the Grof Transpersonal Training I met many wonderful people who became my sacred community for three years; two of the people would help me to connect the dots from significant relationship traumas which would lead to my deepest relational healing. I will call the couple X and Y to preserve their privacy. In order to fully communicate the level of healing this represented, I need to describe the circumstances that ended my second marriage. This marriage held a great deal of love and an equal amount of childhood trauma. Although we worked tenaciously to heal the trauma, the wounds were too great and we were losing ground. My neurological symptoms had become evident and were slowly progressing. Intuitively I knew that if the circumstances didn’t change, I could die. All life choices were made from this perspective at this point in my life, extreme as it may sound. Unfortunately, at the time I didn’t understand the level of pressure I was under, nor did I know how to relieve it. Part of our attempt to heal childhood trauma brought us to Galisteo, New Mexico to work with a healer named Rick. Rick and I made a deep connection which was destabilizing for me for my marriage. I attempted to work with his wife, but found her to be emotionally distant. Suffice it to say that I was not developed enough to deal with the tension in the relationship and drama ensued and my marriage ended in a devastating way, with much betrayal and shame.

During the transpersonal training, I connected with X at the beginning of my training as a massage therapist which was very grounding for journeying for the next three years. Little did I know how auspicious this would be in healing my most primal trauma. Her husband, Y and I connected deeply as well. We became breathwork partners for most of the modules during the next three years. One auspicious day, I entered the training module late which was unusual for me. I claimed the only seat left in the large room which happened to be between and slightly behind the two of them. While I sat there this overwhelming wave of emotion overcame me. Sitting in a triangle with the two of them brought up my trauma from the New Mexico couple. Unwilling to repeat a scenario which brought so much pain, I asked X to talk with me. I told her the whole story of the last triangle and the pain it brought to all concerned. Contrary to what I expected, she was enormously empathetic and acknowledged MY pain, something I had not acknowledged through the shame. In her wisdom, she got the significance of the devastation. Her empathy in the moment provided the alchemical heat needed to transform lead into gold.

It was due to my honesty and her love that I was able to clear the shame I had been carrying all these years. This validated my belief that the only true elixir is love. I was able to understand the primal trauma that was being healed, the triangle with my parents. My mother, with her wounding from childhood, was unable to offer me the love and nurturance I needed. Unconsciously, I had wanted to heal this pathological pattern with Rick’s wife. When she was emotionally unavailable the old pattern kicked in exaggerating the importance of the man, a pattern I had unconsciously played out over and over in my relationships. When X offered love and empathy, she metaphorically offered to hold the kite string. Despite knowing my history she trusted me. These leaps of faith require courage and a commitment to love. Her generosity allowed for the most significant relational healing of my life.

The late Maya Angelou used to say, “when someone knows better, they do better.” Sometimes, knowing better can take a great deal out of you, but the alternative of living unconsciously is much more painful.

Y continues to be my doctor to this day. They came together to deliver supplements yesterday and I again thanked them for their wisdom and their love. With tears in our eyes we acknowledged the healing power of this triangle.

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