You are currently browsing the monthly archive for September 2014.

CourtyardI’m stealing your title, Baba, as I’m standing in my beautiful courtyard pictured below in my standing frame, realizing that I want to offer an update. The hospice nurse visited, because I felt like I needed more medical support and being so remote the home health organization could not secure a nurse to drive this far.

As I shared my situation with the nurse, I shed a tiny tear describing my sense of isolation. The isolation is not geographic; it is not even a social description. It is the feeling one has when moving toward an unknown, and maybe be Unknown. In spite of my energy level, the nurse began fitting me into the six-month program. Her requirement was that I give up physical therapy. When I saw with this trajectory was going, I realized that I was at a crossroads. Was I willing to give up my regenerative life? I clearly could see either possibility and could visit each without judgment.

I realized that my inner being was not ready to let go of my protocols. This could change tomorrow, but for now I still have “places” to go, people to see! My naturopathic doctor’s wife reasoned that, “people will want to interact with me after the book is out.”

Interestingly enough, once I made this decision, I got an e-mail from the home health organization who hired a nurse from Crestone. That is kind of how it rolls when we are aware of life’s synchronicities.

So for now I will be “standing” in my courtyard every morning, riding my stationary bike, and writing… And who knows what tomorrow will bring!

“Subtle energy organizes denser energy.”–James O’Dea

When our soul, which is permanent, connects with our human bodies, which is impermanent, duality is created. This relationship is created in order for both entities to evolve. It has become helpful for me to consider both entities when decisions need to be made on how to deal with many circumstances. Becoming aware of this dual relationship has allowed me to become more empathetic toward both parties. It is through empathy that evolution is assured.

A primary issue that I have been working with throughout my life has been the issue of power. I have discussed frequently about the powerlessness I had felt much of my early life and the true power I feel today despite profound physical debilitation. There is much confusion in the world today regarding issues of power.

If one is unclear of his or her true power, things do not go well. There is a direct relationship between power and authority. Authority is how one uses their power. I see much confusion in the world regarding authority, with devastating incidents happening on a daily basis. Where is the breakdown in authority? I believe authority needs to be processed on the level of the soul, or at least through the higher self.

As I participate in many different groups during the course of the month, the issue of authority seems to be dominant. Interesting pun connecting authority and dominance. There has been so much abuse of one’s authority, both in overdoing it and in under doing it, that it is no wonder that our society is so confused regarding this issue.

Working with parents over a thirty year period has shown me just how confused our society is regarding issues of power. One of the main functions in facilitating psychotherapy groups was to provide a healthy role model as the authority figure. It required a process of maturation that was fraught with many challenges. Many of the unresolved authority issues people carried from childhood were projected upon me as the facilitator. Once I began to understand that this was a sacred gift to be able to provide this for others, I no longer took it personally. And it became an opportunity for me to get into right relationship with my own inner authority.

One significant manifestation of spiritual maturity is to notice one’s internal reaction to confrontation, but not react externally. The corrective process needs to take place as an internal process, in duality, between the soul and the human, or the ego and the higher self. This is one of the most challenging and significant tasks one needs to integrate for less relational suffering. As I learned to exercise authority with more empathy internally, I was able to provide that more consistently in my outer encounters.

One of the main pitfalls of the undeveloped personality in authority position is the tendency to cathect the victim perpetrator dyad. When one devolves into this tragic duality, nothing authentic or regenerative can happen. There are only two options, victim or victimizer. Identifying this pattern can bring tremendous liberation in relationships. It is inevitable that these patterns get energized since this is how drama is played out. Once the pattern is illuminated, transformation can take place.

Without a predominance of healthy role models for authority figures in our culture, it is no wonder that brutality and shame is being acted out and exposed all over the world. Perhaps bringing awareness to this pattern can set the scene for a quantum leap in the consciousness of authentic power, that is in Right relationship.

Love_41“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” George Carlin

I was thinking about why I feel so comfortable with transparency. I have told people who serve as counselors and fellow travelers in my groups of which I am a participant that I don’t require confidentiality. Actually, the opposite is true for me. I feel that if others are moved by my words, maybe they will move others in the same way. My deep commitment to service could be satisfied in yet another way, one that requires less energy on my part. That is always appreciated these days.

In exploring why I feel so trusting, I’m really not sure. I just trust people to disseminate my words in an ethical way. In the few situations where this may not be relayed ethically, that is on them. And I know that if they had less pain in their lives, they would do better.

When I consider this trust more deeply, I realize that I register little shame in reaction to what I say, I have worked through much in the past. In The Four Agreements, Don Luis Ruiz describes the most important agreement as being impeccable with your words as an essential practice. I realize that saying things that one might regret is painful to not only the recipient, but also the speaker; and in many cases more so to the latter. What is the expression, you cannot unring a bell? How many times in the past have I regretted saying things that hurt other people? Way too many, but fortunately that is in the past and I can forgive that.


Being impeccable with your words leads to freedom and transparency. I have been deeply hurt by harsh words spoken in my direction by someone I deeply love. I don’t know who these words hurt more; suffering was clearly experienced by both parties. Hopefully, we will both grow from the incident and our love and trust will grow once the hurt is completely released.

I can remember in my twenties reacting to my first husband with a swift act of cruelty in my words. He had made a subtle threat about my attachment to my pillow, my transitional object. Historically, I sucked my thumb until I was eleven years old. My pillow was an attachment I wasn’t proud of and I certainly didn’t want it announced to his immediate family. Worse than of the shame of the pillow, was the shame that they were able to see what that energy was capable of in me. I can now understand the shame and fear I experienced with his threat. It is almost on the level of survival that this uncontrollable reaction bursts forth. Thirty years later I can still feel the feelings. My stomach hurts just remembering it.

My study of nonviolent communication for the last seven years has helped my practice of speaking impeccably. I wish this work could be taught in schools. Relational integrity is much more useful than solving equations in higher math. Perhaps terrorism can decrease in the world with more attention to spreading love and vulnerability rather than war.

I notice that my blog entries all seem to end with the same theme–love. After all, the Beatles said it all, Love is all there is.


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Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. more...

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