Love_41“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” George Carlin

I was thinking about why I feel so comfortable with transparency. I have told people who serve as counselors and fellow travelers in my groups of which I am a participant that I don’t require confidentiality. Actually, the opposite is true for me. I feel that if others are moved by my words, maybe they will move others in the same way. My deep commitment to service could be satisfied in yet another way, one that requires less energy on my part. That is always appreciated these days.

In exploring why I feel so trusting, I’m really not sure. I just trust people to disseminate my words in an ethical way. In the few situations where this may not be relayed ethically, that is on them. And I know that if they had less pain in their lives, they would do better.

When I consider this trust more deeply, I realize that I register little shame in reaction to what I say, I have worked through much in the past. In The Four Agreements, Don Luis Ruiz describes the most important agreement as being impeccable with your words as an essential practice. I realize that saying things that one might regret is painful to not only the recipient, but also the speaker; and in many cases more so to the latter. What is the expression, you cannot unring a bell? How many times in the past have I regretted saying things that hurt other people? Way too many, but fortunately that is in the past and I can forgive that.

 

Being impeccable with your words leads to freedom and transparency. I have been deeply hurt by harsh words spoken in my direction by someone I deeply love. I don’t know who these words hurt more; suffering was clearly experienced by both parties. Hopefully, we will both grow from the incident and our love and trust will grow once the hurt is completely released.

I can remember in my twenties reacting to my first husband with a swift act of cruelty in my words. He had made a subtle threat about my attachment to my pillow, my transitional object. Historically, I sucked my thumb until I was eleven years old. My pillow was an attachment I wasn’t proud of and I certainly didn’t want it announced to his immediate family. Worse than of the shame of the pillow, was the shame that they were able to see what that energy was capable of in me. I can now understand the shame and fear I experienced with his threat. It is almost on the level of survival that this uncontrollable reaction bursts forth. Thirty years later I can still feel the feelings. My stomach hurts just remembering it.

My study of nonviolent communication for the last seven years has helped my practice of speaking impeccably. I wish this work could be taught in schools. Relational integrity is much more useful than solving equations in higher math. Perhaps terrorism can decrease in the world with more attention to spreading love and vulnerability rather than war.

I notice that my blog entries all seem to end with the same theme–love. After all, the Beatles said it all, Love is all there is.
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