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“Die before you die and find there is no death…”-many mystics

Hibert_LTD_V2I died again. Not in the literal sense, but what is literal? Is it metaphor or allegory if my whole identity shifts from who I think I am in my ordinary life to who I truly am, in a greater sense? That is what happened… again.

Sometimes, there is a shift in consciousness that makes the colors brighter and my heart burst out of my chest. Now that is literal.

I have been preparing for a ten week commitment to begin after the new year, in order to focus on increasing my sense of Presence. With the intention of giving this to myself, I felt a blow to my solar plexus in the form of deep shame. I could call it my Achilles’ heel, an issue that threatens my feeling of Wholeness, when I least expect it. When I hear of someone developing a program or protocol after healing from a life-threatening illness, that scenario can trigger a belief in my deepest failing.

It hit me yesterday, full force, touché right to the gut. Why did I not heal? I have followed all of the protocols, programs and intuitions that have seemed sure to bring total healing. In my psychospiritual work, I have attained every state those who have healed attained. Did I make a Faustian pact, an agreement based on fear of being totally who I am in every facet, emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually? I can remember feeling the fear, the contraction, like coming out of the dark room and being overwhelmed by the sunlight..

In order to fully grasp how profound this is, I have to review a similar shift from a previous blog entry:

While I was fully experiencing the all too familiar yet diminishing sense of failure of healing physically, I felt an existential shift that was much like the one I described in a previous post while I was watching The Piano. That profound shift of consciousness was from a sense of victimization of losing everything during the course of the illness, to the empowering realization of, “wait a minute. I let that go, and I let that go, and that…” I think this shift was from the egoic belief on the level of the body to the greater Truth that, “I made a conscious choice to sacrifice my physicality for my greater evolution.” I recognized that I would have otherwise gotten lost in nonstop movement, nonstop physical play. I recognized this addictive tendency and my higher self chose this teaching!

SACRIFICE–the act of giving up something that you want to keep especially in order to do something else or help someone or surrendering a possession as an offering to God. The root of sacrifice is SACRED; therefore, a sacred offering.

With this insight, my whole life made sense. I cried. I cried because I saw the lie in the belief in failure. I knew that this is what I would understand on the other side. I felt the difference between falseness and Truth. I felt the liberation. I knew that the illusion was that death was final. I felt the transcendence of Truth and the release from my physical body; my dear, sad, suffering physical body, my vehicle for this revelation.

If we are fortunate, we die many deaths before the final transition from our physical body to Spirit. Yes, I died yesterday, again.

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