“Transcendence can not be accessed through the mind, but through direct experience with the numinous.” -Ilene Aliyah Alexander


The diminished physical ability I have been living with is becoming increasingly more limiting leaving primarily the autonomic nervous system. When I acknowledge the disease progression and how some functioning is becoming nearly impossible to do and my strategies are no longer effective, I feel grief and need take time to mourn for what was and will never be again in this glorious body that has taken me so far. Usually the grief lasts a few hours to a few days. This is very different, because it used the last for years. I have evolved emotionally and spiritually with the understanding, the profound revelation that I am not my body, nor am I my strategizing mind. My empathy and love for self and other is growing exponentially. This curriculum has given me the opportunity to live more from my Soul.

Some people call my journey courageous; some people call it miraculous. I just call it what is. I can either kick and scream (although I can literally do neither) or I can just choose to say yes to the new level of functioning, my new baseline. What I am finding with this accelerated curriculum is that with loss always comes a new awareness I had not been previously able to access prior to the limitations.

I am not a saint and I am not an exception. I am just no longer interested in suffering on a day-to-day minute-to-minute basis. If I am unable to control anything physically, I can control my reaction. And that is about all I can control.

Being alone nineteen hours a day, sitting overlooking the 14,000 foot mountain range called Sangre de Christos, I am realizing the importance of the spiritual teachings of Ram Dass and others. As a collective consciousness we are moving from the third dimension to the fourth dimensional reality. The latter involves unitive consciousness. The field of unity is already around us. People are gradually being able to access this field  to eventually reach a critical mass where the rigid boundaries of duality will be rendered unnecessary. We are moving into Love.

I am realizing the wisdom in choosing this curriculum as a default in order to assure the integration of this teaching. This is a very different response from feeling victimized by a random, mysterious disease constellation. As I let go of each ability on the physical level, I open to a new ability on the subtle level. From this perspective, I wonder what disability really means. The liberation possible from reconfiguring the evolutionary potential of suffering is immeasurable.

I am seeing that whatever the challenge that may seem catastrophic from our human/ego perspective, there is always a gift on the other side. Fully experiencing the grief is essential and once on the other side of the seemingly endless grief, there is the opportunity for transcendence. Transcendence is beyond the five levels of grief Elisabeth Kubler-Ross generously illuminated. For me, I now understand that this rigorous curriculum was perhaps the most expeditious way and perhaps the only way for me to access this state given the trajectory of my choices during this lifetime.

The surrender into transcendence is where the fourth dimension lies. I’m convinced that this is what my father who had been a lifelong atheist described on his deathbed, “heaven, a place of tranquility.” I am realizing that whatever the challenge that may seem catastrophic, there is always a gift on the other side. The opportunity is that we reach this place beyond acceptance into transcendence where suffering may no longer be necessary for growth. Many are being called to this expanded state of consciousness, the dimension where love and unity are the only reality.