There’s a feeling I get when I look to the West, and my spirit is crying for leaving… – Led Zeppelin
Beginning the conversation
Since the onset of subtle neurological symptoms in the late 80s, I have lived an increasingly more conscious, full life. I have valued my lifelong mission of service to a greater degree and lessened my fear of death, considerably. I am left with few regrets and incompletions. Having been given the opportunity to live a long life, to see my children grow up and have grandchildren, gratitude ekes out of my every pore. I have had the time for all the difficult conversations with my family and my beloveds. We have shared our grief which is, of course, never enough, but a good beginning.
Having lived what I feel is a “good” life, I have less fear of death. There may be minor regrets and incompletions, but I have the courage to be present with any unfinished business with the people most dear to me. I have come to terms with the limitations of my ability to control life, and death. Many people open to religion or spirituality when facing one’s mortality which may lead to questioning what happens after death when one’s physicality becomes less central and awareness on the soul level becomes more accessible.
At this point in life’s journey, completing The Five Wishes, a comprehensive guide for personalizing the circumstances surrounding one’s death presented HERE may become useful. Living with the kinesthetic understanding of impermanence, I have come to value each moment like it could be the last, because it could.
Until recently in my dreams I have been walking, running, or riding my motorcycle or horses and my dreams have been completely devoid of any disability. Others readily came to me with their own dreams of me being ambulatory. For the last year, my dreams have become more constrained with wheelchairs and disability. The “costume” for this curriculum is becoming too heavy to bear.
Death is trending
The topic of death is becoming less charged. Perhaps baby boomers, or the children of baby boomers, are beginning to experience physical decline, first-hand. Some are observing loved ones who experience prolonged, excruciating deaths due to the ability of modern medicine to prolong life by any means, regardless of the suffering incurred. Our culture’s phobic reaction to death is being revealed. Witnessing loved ones suffering a “bad” death has led many to consider offering more choice and autonomy during this sacred time in one’s life. For those who are less fearful, moving toward the understanding that life is eternal and the physical body temporal, can be truly liberating.
I received a communication from a woman from Australia who is known as the Deathwalker. She walks people through their transitions, including performing wedding ceremonies and death rituals. She came to Crestone to learn about our groundbreaking end-of-life program. Our open-air cremations and green burials are an attraction to those wanting to share this passage in a meaningful, ceremonial way with their community.
I have planned my cremation impeccably, down to every detail: my preferred music – Bruce, the Native American flute player/maker with his portable amplifier; clothing – my cobalt, silk dress and silk fabric from India; traditional prayer – Cindy will say Kaddish (the Aramaic prayer for mourners to sanctify the Divine); what I will hold – Mark’s and Basha’s ashes, sage from Wounded Knee, and my “lifeboat” fabricated with handmade paper by Allison to accompany me on my journey. My Beloveds will be able to speak if desired. I have no doubt that I will be there.
Self-determination as a Sacrament
I know that systems take time to change, but those who oppose the aid-in-dying law want to deny people the right to choose how they might die, when death is iminent. Don’t they know that people are suffering needlessly? For some people, suffering is intertwined with their religious beliefs. That is not a part of my belief system. I believe since people have the autonomy to choose how to live, they should also have the right to choose how they die. If their religious beliefs are in conflict with certain choices, they have the right to make the choice for themselves consistent with their own values. Of course, death brings its own circumstances, but life-prolonging medical interventions merely prolong suffering rather than extend quality of life in many end-of-life scenarios.
Historically, ancient Greeks and Romans practiced self-determination when facing the end of their lives before Christianity. Indigenous peoples knew when it was their time and they walked into the mountains to enter the spirit realm. Self-determination to me is a sacrament – a visible sign of divine Grace.
Crazy Horse, a holy man of the Lakota people, was immortalized by saying these words while going into the Battle of Big Horn, “Today is a good day to die.” This statement epitomized the philosophy of the indigenous peoples, to die an honorable, brave death:
Our lives are a circle just as the stars; the moon and the sun are circles. We are born, we live and we die. There were no greater prophets than Crazy Horse and the holy men and women of the many tribes of what is now America. – Tim Giago, founder of Lakota Times
My personal Journey
I am in a body that is like a prison cell. I have learned to love my cell: it keeps my organs together, it allows my heart to beat, and my lungs to breathe, diminished as it all is. I have learned so much in my prison cell. I am a Cancer, so I could call it my crab shell; it has supported my Sacred Retreat. I have studied life, learned to write, I have communicated wholeheartedly with loved ones and have repented my indiscretions. Through all of this I have been able to connect with the Beloved and learned that beyond ego all there is is love. I have faced my greatest fears and learned that what I have been seeking outside of myself all these years is inside.
My beloved body has been deteriorating at an accelerated rate since the diagnosis in 2003. It is progressively more fragile with each week. One injury, choking incident, or one errant virus can bring an end to my already limited quality of life. The resources it takes to maintain an ever-declining baseline is exhaustive. Nevertheless, I have much determination and life force.
To me, every day, every minute, is an opportunity to love: to express love, receive love, and to help others remove the blocks to love. I have been received on seven continents with the lessons of love, I have integrated and supported many through minor and catastrophic challenges. It is my Work. It is my joy.
I have worked hard to bring aid-in-dying into the conversation standing on many peoples’ shoulders, wheelchair and all. Why would anyone refuse to unlock the prison door if one has the power, the responsibility, and the law on one’s side?
I know I have the capacity to live longer in my cell and I will reap wonderful rewards in my confinement, but what about the people suffering needlessly without the financial resources to maintain a regenerative quality of life? What about the people suffering without the internal resources to turn poison into medicine, as my Buddhist friends say?
I trust that when my time has come, I will know it. I live a paradox with an ever-fading body, yet with much life force. If we can omit shame from the process of choosing how to die, are able to feel our grief of letting go fully (my greatest challenge), listening to a deeper Knowing is available to everyone. It is in the natural order and death can be a sacrament that completes the circle of life.
25 comments
Comments feed for this article
September 1, 2017 at 8:06 am
vamarie
a heartfelt message Aliya, thank you!
Encantar is washed, groomed, braided and saddled – ready to ride whenever you need an escort.
September 1, 2017 at 8:12 am
aliyahalex
Thank you for your connection, your deeply received offer, and your love! So good to hear from you.
September 1, 2017 at 9:34 am
Marilyn Jaffe
I am sending love your way- may your journey
continue to be on your terms- Love and the
warmth of family and friends that care so much,
Marilyn🌈
September 1, 2017 at 9:40 am
aliyahalex
Thank you so much Marilyn. We are always family. ❤
September 1, 2017 at 10:28 am
DeAnna Elliott
You have walked holding hands with death like very few. I can only imagine that in truth it has freed you from the fear of death also like very few have known. Your impact will continue for a long time giving others courage to go to the stage called death that we have learned to fear so much. Because of you they may have less fear and more acceptance of somthing we all encounter – completion of the body. I’ve alway hoped that contact was possible with you beyond the body. No one knows but that is my hope.
Your courage has and will help so many. Bravo to you for living with so much courage!!!!!
September 1, 2017 at 11:28 am
aliyahalex
Thank you, Deanna. I love you so much!
September 1, 2017 at 10:42 am
Alice Cotton Books
So well said as usual! ♥️🌹
September 1, 2017 at 11:28 am
aliyahalex
Love you, as usual.
September 1, 2017 at 1:40 pm
lanalensman
When you choose to leave the earthly plane I have no doubt that your guides and angels will be holding you, leading you across, and you will be met by your many beloveds on the other side. I can’t even fathom the immense freedom and joy you will feel to be back in your true home. I will be here cheering you on, so grateful for our beautiful connection in this lifetime. Much love to you Aliyah!
September 1, 2017 at 1:43 pm
aliyahalex
Thank you, Lana. I will see you on the other side. ❤
September 1, 2017 at 4:15 pm
DeAnna Elliott
I see you and Basha celebrating by flying through the stars in unconditional love all around. Makes me smile for both of you.
September 1, 2017 at 6:29 pm
Doris
You are not ready to go yet. You still have so much wisdom and insight to share. I am in awe of you
September 1, 2017 at 6:35 pm
aliyahalex
I am in awe of you. In different ways. Love you.
September 1, 2017 at 6:47 pm
DPat Mattie
Dear Aliyah, am blown away every time you share your journey. You are amazing and those of us on our own ending journey legs so appreciate your sharing your wisdom. As I have been reading this piece I am holding the beautiful round piece of granite that you brought me back from Yosemite years ago. Have told EJ that I want to be sprinkled in sight of Half Dome if possible. Much love to you dear friend from us both. DPat & EJ
September 1, 2017 at 6:50 pm
aliyahalex
Half Dome. What a beautiful place. Love you both!!
September 1, 2017 at 8:22 pm
Tam gonzales
Thank you for the gift of these words I will share them with my family as one day I to will make my choice to go in peace and not in pain thank you
September 1, 2017 at 8:32 pm
aliyahalex
Thank you for your reflections. Feel free to email me if you want to talk about this further. Much love to you during your sacred time. Aliyah aliyalex@fairpoint.net
September 3, 2017 at 3:42 pm
Martha Nugent
The love, light and grace you carry inspires me beyond belief. If only I had your courage, your strength, and yet, I know I am here, learning as each of us are. My heart is so full of gratitude for what I’ve learned from you and for what I learn from you now, today. I know that one day you will go. I know, but you will leave a precious legacy that will live and breathe when your ‘body’ stops. Oh-I have something of Sandi’s and wish that I had something of yours. So, I will make sure to buy something that calls to me on the eatsy site, real soon.
(From Above) …”There’s a feeling I get when I look to the west, and my spirit is crying for leaving.” Led Zeppelin (in my top 5) I will never hear that song and not think of you.
September 3, 2017 at 5:23 pm
aliyahalex
What a beautiful connection. And so great to connect with Sandi! Thank you for reading. You are definitely one of the initiated.
September 3, 2017 at 9:50 pm
Harald Kasper
It is so clear, when I come friday’s into your room you are so alive. Much more than some other clients, that come to me for help.Your eyes your questions your observations. This is still completely true, while your body is deteriating I am in the group that can tell.
One of the biggest wisdoms I teach is how interrelated body and self is. The beautiful thing is that with some changed movement you can open up the self and connect different to the lifestream.
you with your example have taught me that this image, experience or truth is embrace by a bigger truth, that doesn’t need voluntary movement anymore to fully touch life.
I love you for that for making my life bigger
September 3, 2017 at 10:27 pm
aliyahalex
Interesting observation. We are learning this together. ❤
September 5, 2017 at 8:50 pm
Gussie
Aliyah, I just read your last blog again—I always need to read them at least twice—and listened to the Deva Premal song. Thank you for that song, it’s so beautiful.
I didn’t know that in your dreams you’re not walking or riding your horse anymore. It makes me sad to realize you don’t have that experience of movement in your dreamtime; I assumed you did and always would. I guess it’s a way of entering more deeply into this phase of the sacred journey, shedding more of what was, even in the dream realm. But it fills my heart to know that when you’ve traversed the threshold entirely, you’ll have more freedom of movement than anyone on earth can imagine.
It’s so true and so clear that your inner radiance is increasingly stronger, even as your “shell” is weakening. That’s what Naomi meant last week when she seemed startled by how beautiful you look when she first walked in and saw you. We were talking about it on the way home. It’s something even more powerful than the life force, and it’s a paradox.
As always, I can’t express the depth of love I have for you. But it’s reassuring to know that you know. ❤️
September 5, 2017 at 9:00 pm
aliyahalex
Yes, I know. And it is very mutual.
December 20, 2017 at 8:36 am
James Michael Spence
God Bless My Mother Died 3yrs 6 month ago
December 20, 2017 at 9:42 am
aliyahalex
My mother and I had a complicated relationship that was mostly resolved by the time she died of cancer and dementia induced by chemotherapy. I have found over the years that my mother and I are becoming closer, in an unseen, but deeply heart-connected way. I am preparing my son for this separation.I told my children that I will continue to be with them through their lives, they just have to get better at listening.
I didn’t quite understand what I meant when I told them that, but I am understanding more as I go through this slow-motion end-of-life stage. I’m sure your mother is connected with you and they like it when you speak out loud to them, I have heard.
Thank you for reaching out. Aliyah