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The fight against racism [anti-Semitism, xenaphobia] is our issue. It’s not something that we’re called on to help People of Color with. We need to become involved with it as if our lives depended on it because really, in truth, they do. ~ Anne Braden

A month ago my hospice physician gave me surprising news that I would likely be around a while longer! I realized how I have been living week to week, hour to hour, injury to injury. I took a shallow breath, which is the best I can do, and thought – How do I want to live this more time? The answer was not forthcoming; sometimes just asking the question is more catalytic.

A few days later, while trying to sleep, I slipped into a four hour riveting download. Downloads seem to happen more frequently during this end-of-life time. I believe we are continually receiving downloads, we just may not be aware of them. Our guides and loved ones on the other side are constantly trying to assist us. Sometimes my downloads involve life review and sometimes they are a direct transmission prompting healing that can take place while I am still embodied, should I be willing. These communications always leave me with tremendous gratitude, determination, and awe.

Unlike my usual meditations or downloads, I was met by an Ascended Master (so I knew it was serious), as the quality of the input was clearly from that high of a frequency. I was riveted for four hours, hearing that the next stretch of my life will be about FIRE. Fire is neither an element I am comfortable with, nor is it easily accessible to my gentle soul, in this particular incarnation. I understood that to embrace my fire, I had to go beyond my fear of disapproval from others and consciously enter the fire of eternal love, a fire that burns away the obstacles to fully embodying the Divine.

I was about to publish my previous essay – The Shadow of My Shadow is My Friend – and I was told that that essay would be the beginning of this accelerated stretch. I knew that times were dire and the Sacred Feminine would be greatly needed to get us out of this mess we’ve created. We have recklessly squandered our inner and outer resources and, as I mentioned in my aforementioned essay, a critical mass of people would be necessary to restore Love from fear. It is heartening that She is emerging through #metoo, #blacklivesmatter, #neveragain, and other movements to bring violence out of the collective Shadow and into the light.

The following day, after a brief contraction, I began receiving communications from many people that confirmed the veracity of the download. It is necessary that I have compassion for my contractions, because I need to take my ego along with me, as I am not yet free of this body curriculum.

Then Allison, my dear friend and primary caregiver asked me if I wanted to join her in a workshop she was participating in titled White Awake – Before We Were White. I didn’t quite know what Before We Were White meant, but I knew that growing class inequality and racism were issues I have always felt deeply in my bones, connective tissue, and DNA.

Participating in a workshop with hundreds of like-minded beloveds was something I believed was part of my past, however now video technology could bring it right into my living room. Although my voice was too weak to be audible, I had a visual presence and Allison generously offered to speak for me.

The workshop spoke of colonialism and the resulting genocide of indigenous peoples perpetrated by white people. It dispelled myths, particularly our American origin myth and explained white privilege in a way I could deeply ingest. I was surprised to hear that the concept of whiteness and the power hierarchy of skin color was a strategy propagated during the 1600s. The purpose was to sew hatred and division by a few, intent on staying in power at any cost to the vulnerable. (Sound familiar?) The workshop was presented by white people to mostly white people in order to hold all of the grief, shame, and complicity necessary to create a collective shift in awareness. The shame turned into deep acknowledgment/responsibility which turned into empathy for all the victims including we white people, who have been so victimized that we ourselves have become victimizers!

In keeping with my previous essay where I described the Karpman Drama Triangle as a destructive expression of conflict when it is unsafe to express our own authentic vulnerability, we assume one of the three faces of Victim – Victim, Perpetrator, or Rescuer. In the case where fear of other is stoked (xenaphobia) and we succumb to the fear, we risk becoming reduced to the role of Victim, either by being victimized or by doing the victimization.

During my last essay, I described my consequential  breathwork session where I was able to reach deeply into my unconscious Shadow and cathect the Nazi archetype. I found liberation by releasing this suppressed energy that had accrued over many lifetimes. Through this process I was able to understand white supremacy from the inside out. By dissecting the pathology of this distorted fire energy, it became less frightening as it is once again manifesting in the world today.

I will conclude Part One now. During Part two, I will describe my own particular process of ancestral recovery and its importance to me. During the process I developed the flu and I wondered if I would survive the physical and emotional demands of this sort of recovery. I thought I was merely signing up for an interesting workshop. I now understand the power of ancestral relationships, family constellation theory, and the illness that can come from unresolved fractures. I also understand the liberation of healing this family multigenerational family structure.

I request help from my ancestors to complete this two-part essay. Thank you for your continued support. May you realize how important your support has been to my process. We just never know how much we affect each other, do we?

For more information about White Awake: https://whiteawake.org/about/

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Hard times require serious dancing. – Alice Walker

No. I don’t have a pretty picture like a great ship sailing in stormy waters or an image of a physical body’s particles dissolving into eternal, ecstatic light. This is my latest injury. My right leg sustained yet another injury last Friday while transferring to the stationary bike. (I know it’s bad when the hospice nurse cries.) What will I do when my legs can no longer support any of my weight, when I cannot stand or ride my bike or even take care of the basic daily living skills? My body is known for healing quickly, but each injury is more debilitating and each recovery finds a new baseline with less ability.

The night before the injury, I slept ten hours which is nearly a record. My sleeping has been getting better and even my occasional naps are becoming longer. I’ve heard that as people move toward dying they sleep more. I believe we are given much preparation for our transition in our sleep, whether it is received consciously or unconsciously. The day after the injury I woke up from a dream that was partially autobiographical, but with dreamlike embellishments. I believe they – the Voice I’ve spoken of previously– wake me early some nights, because there is something I am needing to acknowledge and/or process that in waking hours I cannot access. In my dream, my former husband was becoming more distant from me with coldness and resentment. I tried to call him near, but he told me that he was closer to his new girlfriend’s family than my family. When he told me this, I cried desperately from the grief and fear of going forward alone with this illness. This was mostly biographically accurate, but I received it as a reminder to grieve. Being able to grieve is so important in our bittersweet, human lives and I believe it’s necessary to grieve well in order to truly feel joy. Since I began psychotherapy in my 20s and through fifteen years of Holotropic Breathwork practice and becoming a trainer, I have become more comfortable with grief knowing that joy is just on the other side. David was unable to process grief openly during the eleven years we were together. No one could navigate this curriculum without the capacity for grief/joy. I understand that this is an accelerated course in life and not for everybody. It is not a failing to be overwhelmed by my life. Believe me, I get it.

In her seminal book, The Hero Within, Carol Pearson, presents six heroic archetypes that exist in all of us. To access this best-selling classic with strong Jungian influence, click here. According to her teachings, we all have access to each archetype, or ally, and when made conscious they can elevate our self-awareness. The archetypes evolve developmentally as we evolve.

Suddenly in the dream, I slapped my face. Referring to Pearson’s archetypes, I realize that I have been avoiding the feelings of the Orphan archetype (vulnerability, innocence, fear of abandonment), wanting more the Warrior archetype (strength and physical persistence). This translates literally to my waking life. Authors like Carol Pearson and Michael Brown offer us so many tools to aid in our evolution.

By waking up 2 1/2 hours early, I had the time to explore the meaning within the dream. I remembered an earlier time when I sustained multiple injuries while I was avoiding the use of a wheelchair. If you know anyone with a progressive neurological illness, as the disease progresses and one’s equilibrium is affected, one may tend to wall-walk in order to stay upright. I became adept at wall-walking, that is, until I fell with my computer landing on my knee to avoid damage to my laptop. My kneecap cracked with the force. Still, I persevered and dragged myself onto the tractor. If will could have kept this illness at bay, I might have dragged myself up Mount Everest. Climbing off the tractor, I fell on my knee again and broke my patella in half! I have always minimized my injuries, that is until I couldn’t.

I required crutches and then a walker while the injury healed. Soon, I fell onto my computer desk and cracked my sternum! When I finally sat in the freaking wheelchair, I felt the relief of surrender. The dream last night and my time in contemplation allowed me to wonder if the series of injuries I’m experiencing now is an indication that I am needing to surrender once again.

The Orphan archetype, an ally that brings resilience and realism to situations through a willingness to feel vulnerable might be the exact medicine I most need now. Ironically, the illusion of abandonment is the pitfall of the Orphan when life is not met head-on. So it seems that these recurring injuries may be a message that I am needing to meet what is head-on.

Ultimately, letting go of my will means letting go of the illusion of control, an illusion we share as humans and seems to be a recurring theme in my life. Feeling the grief of what I am leaving behind is part of the work of moving from Orphan to Innocent to Warrior to Magician, to ultimately allow myself to be transformed, to be more of who I truly Am.

My dear friends tell me daily how courageous I am and what an inspiration I am for their lives. If you are reading this, you are one of them. I appreciate being received as inspiring, but I know everybody will be facing this level of surrender eventually in our lives. I am just doing it earlier than most, in slow motion, and reporting in real-time.

I am moving into the next level of this heartbreaking and joyfully sacred path we call life, which includes death. May I do it all with Grace and Gratitude. Namaste.

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Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. more...

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