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“You wait a lifetime to meet someone who understands you, accepts you as you are. At the end, you find that someone, all along, has been you.” -Richard Bach

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Siegfried Zademack

I recently shared with my dear friend Alice, who is on a similar Journey as me, that with this illness I believe we are being brought into greater balance. The personal journeying she has shared with me recently has affirmed this Knowing. I wanted to share some of my deep, personal balancing.

I have been particularly touched by a couple I have known for some time, who has been journeying through MS together. One has the illness, but they are together in their commitment of seeing this curriculum through. After David left, I communicated with Stephen to ask what enables him to stay. His response was so profound and personal that I will not share it on a blog; suffice it to say that he expressed reverence and deep love in his serving. Hearing his perspective gave me so much hope for humankind and appreciation for these friends whose lives are unexplainably interconnected with mine.

From time to time, we check in with each other to share strategies and mutual respect. As I near the end of my ten week commitment to The Presence Process* with this week’s theme being, I FORGIVE MYSELF, what keeps coming up is that I need to forgive myself for having this illness. Everything else has been forgiven, but this last piece seems intransigent.

During our most recent communication, I must have shared my pain and disappointment about traversing this journey alone in contrast to their shared path. There have been so many similarities and synchronicities along our respective paths, it is surely not a coincidence.

But for me, David left. Stephen expressed something remarkable to me. “… dearest Aliyah, I have fallen for you in a way I cannot explain. Somehow there is a sisterhood of like souls on similar voyages and somehow the two of you have me on the same liferaft. You make it easier for me to care for [my wife]. I feel that I could be with you in your situation with perfect ease…” That last line was the clincher. I could not stop sobbing. He had struck a nerve. Pun intended.

I was able to see the part of me that is so balled up and black that I cannot possibly be lovable. After all, David adored me and he could not leave fast enough. As I sat with the pain in my being, and allowed myself to soften and expand around this pain, I realized that it was myself that I could not forgive. Somehow, this invitation allowed me to see the deepest judgment I held was for myself: I had been so cruel to my mother when she was sick for ten years of my young life. My mother has long since forgiven me, but I had not forgiven me! My healing with this illness has involved revisiting the primary relationship with my mother, as I have described in much detail in previous blogs.

It has taken Stephen’s kindness and devotion for me to access that place that we can perhaps call the missing piece. I also understand why I could never maintain a primary relationship and simultaneously do my deepest healing. I would fetishize and romanticize the love from others to protect myself from touching into this blackness. I had to hear love from another person, but also someone from the same liferaft. It is a wondrous process to unlock the depths of where we cannot love ourselves.

It is by entering our deepest wounds where illness can sometimes be just the medicine we need for bringing us into greater balance.

*a book by Michael Brown

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“Both the rational and the irrational lead to the same understanding. Truly, the path traveled matters little, the will to arrive is enough.”–Albert Camus

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In my opinion, multiple sclerosis is a catchall for different disorders. Medical science is in the dark ages when it comes to finding the etiology and then effective treatments for autoimmune illnesses. There are a great many imbalances in our culture that lead to even greater imbalances. The ravages of aggression over love is probably the greatest imbalance which needs to be addressed in order for greater wellness in our culture.

I believe that imbalances on the psychospiritual level create imbalances on the more dense levels. A valid and personal example is becoming more evident on the microbial level. I became aware that microbes and stealth infections were on the rise when I was diagnosed with Lyme disease in 2004 and I underwent treatment. An eye-opening documentary titled Under Our Skin received critical acclaim for describing the imbalances that are accelerating and threatening many individuals. The documentary is offered free of charge on the Internet.

I was treated for a number of years by a world renowned Lyme disease specialist noted in the documentary previously mentioned. Sitting in his office in Seattle, other healthcare professionals and I discussed how many of his patients struggled with multiple illnesses including multiple sclerosis, autism, and other disorders were the contemporary canaries in the coal mines. Our culture, toxicity from irresponsible environmental practices and our lifestyle choices have elicited a proliferation of imbalances causing infections and insufficient immune systems that would  otherwise keep these microbes in balance.

Many of the friends I have met with serious injuries and illnesses are actually coming into greater balance through their challenges. I believe if people consciously choose to address their lifestyle choices, improve environmental conditions, and work through their emotional issues, this will bring them into greater balance and into a state of LOVE, love of self and others. With less struggle in the world, there will be more joy. That has been my sacred Path.

Just opening to the possibility of the bigger picture perspective for healing raises the vibration of each of us, for us and our loved ones.

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Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. more...

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