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helpless--large-msg-114970372439-2“One who looks outside, dreams; one who looks inside, awakes.”–Carl Jung

Alone and helpless, that was my greatest fear…always; the paradox of having so much love around me, yet feeling none. Maybe that was my deepest Work for this lifetime; maybe power was a secondary teaching.

Right after I wrote the blog entry about pain as an ally, there was a loud pop in my back that rendered me immobile, more immobilized than I had been. I thought I was vulnerable before, but this is a whole new level of vulnerability. A very wise young woman, Elise, named the syndrome the “I’ve got this” syndrome. She is gracefully working with an aggressive form of breast cancer. Well, I thought I had this. That is, until I realized I didn’t. I am not an alarmist, but we called 911. It was not a little knuckle crack; it was a whole joint that dislocated and tore a ligament. I hope it went back into place.

Alone and helpless. That is the absolute opposite expression of my true reality. I have had at least fifteen visitors in the last two days, maybe more. And they are not just casual visitors, but lovers of Love. With all of the love around me, I felt unsupported. How could that possibly be?

I woke up with no internet, no communication. At least, the disconnection must have happened during the night because multiple e-mails were ready to be responded to. None of my e-mail would send; that’s how I realized I had no connection. This disruption has been happening more frequently lately. Sometimes, however, I can text through Skype when my Internet is down. I wrote to Kirsten. It was 6 AM and she responded immediately. We watched the sun come up over Mount Blanca together.

From there, I entered my sacred meditation cave, a metaphor for going inside. I felt all of the love around me and the blockage to letting it in, that could be named “unworthiness.” The sense of unworthiness seemed to be secondary to the fear generated by this injury. It doesn’t matter how much love is around me and love is in me, when that thin veneer of unworthiness is present, it is impenetrable. It is humbling to be this far on the path and to feel this familiar intransigence.

As I began to dismantle the blockage, I noticed my appetite beginning to be regained which is a good sign, so this is recovery in real time. With awareness brings consciousness; the veneer is breaking down, cracks allow the love in. The lower back, the place of not feeling supported [by the Universe], the illusion of unworthiness was clearly keeping the support from being realized.

I used to look outside of myself to be saved from this pattern, to feel Loved, to feel lovable. I now know that this place of feeling loved can only be accessed from the inside. What I am realizing now is that “I got this” is from the limited ego, the part of me that is alive and well. “WE got this,” is the elixir, the cure. I am a microparticle of a gazillion microparticles, and we are all LOVE.

I don’t know if I will be able to return to “my baseline” physically. With this curriculum, nothing is a given; nothing is known. All I know is that I now feel connected to my Self and something greater than myself. The rest is incidental, as my mother used to say.

The Journey continues…..


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Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. more...

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