You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘Ram Dass’ tag.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. – Joe Klass

Ram Dass and Reb Zalman

I have always been an independent person. I have jumped off mountains in California and Maine with rappelling gear, I rode my motorcycle to Key West alone for weekends in college, and I learned to jump my very large thoroughbred horse when I was nearly fifty years old.

Today, I find myself unable to move from the neck down with continued weakening of any peristalsis in my body’s alimentary canal that moves food North to South, or East to West if lying horizontally, an asana I assume throughout much of the day and night.

My sense of autonomy has always been important to me and is fiercely defended by my will – condolences to my parents and gratitude to my husbands. One of the most difficult parts of aging and/or disability is losing one’s autonomy. 90% of the people who choose to end their life using medical aid in dying (MAID) is due to loss of their autonomy.

Erik Erikson, a German-American psychologist whose work was covered extensively in my Masters degree program at Tulane University in the 70s, developed a theory of human development comprised of eight stages from birth to adulthood with each stage ending with a developmental crisis that led to the next stage. He was best known for coining the phrase identity crisis.

Stage II of Erikson’s model involves developing a greater sense of self-control. It has been commonly observed that when individuals age, they revisit the psychosocial stages of development from childhood. Often children end up parenting their adult parents either physically, emotionally, or both. I believe multigenerational healings can occur during this reversal of roles, when unresolved issues from the past resurface to be healed. Occasionally, the trauma is too great to be reworked or it is just not time, which can be overwhelming. Families get through this time the best way they can. Perhaps, if people can cultivate a sense of empathy, either through counseling or other support systems, working with these crises can be extremely restorative.

In this essay, I will explore my own personal experience of how Erikson’s second stage Autonomy versus Shame and Doubt has manifested to clear residual shame and doubt during the end of my life. Each stage has its own particular challenge, it’s crisis of identity, but each stage moves toward healing, interdependence, and communion/love.

For me, letting go of control has always been a challenging requirement in this theater called life and often I do it kicking and screaming, with sometimes bone shattering consequences, quite literally. During major transitions, letting go and trusting the natural process of life has been a challenge for me. Giving away my power to external sources of authority in lieu of trusting my own inherent wisdom has been a related and recurring life lesson. Mediating between the two tendencies of deferring authority and needing autonomy during this end-of-life time has been challenging.

Last week, I experienced a sense of anxiety so huge that with my level of frailty, it could have ended my physical life. Nevertheless, I decided to sit with the fear, not an easy ask. This is probably one of the hardest spiritual practices, to sit in the place of not-knowing. (Ironically, all I really can do is sit, but I could have distracted myself, or quite honestly, having the lethal prescription, I could have chosen this as my exit point, if the suffering was too great.) There is no right or wrong decision. Each has their own sovereignty to decide for themselves. Instead, I decided to just BE with it to see what would emerge. Fortunately, I also have been given healthy doses of determination and stamina to meet these areas of limitation.

I sat and felt more and more fear until it was beyond overwhelming. I called my very skilled caregiver/fellow traveler to be with me, revealing yet another challenge in my life – asking for help. I just knew I could not go there alone. She tenderly affirmed she was there, completely present, and available for whatever I needed. With someone I trusted deeply to hold the container, I went there.

It was like entering a dense orb of anxiety that had been suspended in time. I was transported to the pregnancy with my first child, which had been one of the most joyful times of my life. Once it was time for her birth, however, I found myself feeling completely alone and unsupported, with no sense of trust in the natural process. Feeling that vulnerable, I asked the doctor for a cesarean which started a series of events that spun completely out of control. I was given a general anesthetic that upon awakening left me in tremendous physical pain and completely disoriented – Where is my baby? Two days later, when the confusion began to clear, I demanded they bring my baby to me and called my mother who got on a plane immediately. The doctors threatened me, because that was the 70s and they didn’t yet have the practice of rooming in, nevertheless, I persevered – alone, helpless, and disoriented, I persevered. Two days post cesarean, I developed a postpartum depressive reaction, the likes of which I’d never before experienced. I just did not have the internal resources to integrate the trauma. This was before midwives and doulas were welcomed in hospitals. I felt completely ill prepared for the onslaught of feelings of fear, helplessness, and shame.

Just recalling the memory makes me cry all over again. Then I realized that this orb of unresolved feelings, now relegated to my unconscious, were familiar and had recurred a few times later in my life. Each recurrence left me with the exact same feelings – fear, helplessness, and shame. It began to make perfect sense that it would resurface as I was preparing for another major transition – dying! With this awareness, I felt gratitude that this ominous trauma had reemerged into my awareness. I felt in awe of the natural order of life during this auspicious time. When confronted with the end of one’s life, the holes in our souls caused by past trauma can become more evident, along with the neurosis that had taken up residence. These are the places that most need our love and acceptance for healing. In our culture, I’m sure these karmic appointments often get medicated away. Again, no right or wrong. For me, this was an important piece to clear before my final transition of birthing myself through the doorway called death.

At this point, I would like to digress to the timely issue of aid in dying in our culture. Personally, I am grateful to have the safety net of having the prescription in my possession, whether I choose to use it or not. I am grateful I was able to open to my greater suffering necessary to meet the emotional crisis presented at this sacred time of transition. When I secured the prescription, I made an agreement with myself that I would not use it to avoid anything emotionally uncomfortable, but because I was ready to go forward. I intuitively know I don’t need to endure needless physical suffering. It is my style to confront obstacles for my greater good. I wouldn’t begin to make this decision for others or take it away. One of Erickson’s criticisms has been that he excluded the emotional and spiritual aspects of development. I don’t have that limitation in my toolkit. If you know me, you know I am fierce with passion and determination to fill these holes in my soul with love and joy (and anybody else who crosses my path).

During the aging process, losing one’s independence and sense of control in life can lead to despair as the body deconstructs. In his own words, Erikson reflected on his view of his life now in his 80s, You’ve got to accept the law of life, and face the fact that we are disintegrating slowly. Deconstructing the developmental stages that were so hard won when we were young is a mirror image which requires acceptance and letting go of will. From a spiritual perspective, one needs to shift from the egoic level to the spiritual, which is not a path for everyone. Sometimes, what is called for is just planting seeds and that is enough.

In their ninth decade together Erickson and his wife, his lifelong collaborator, expanded their theory which included issues that arise during the old age years. They identified the conflict during this stage as Integrity versus a Sense of Defeat (despair). The fruit of this tension can ripen into wisdom. The Ericksons further posited that the lessons during this time of life involve developing empathy and resilience, that having the courage of our convictions to move toward greater wholeness dispels the ominous sense of despair that so plagues many elders. This is not unlike Viktor Frankl’s theory of attributing greater meaning to adversity, a practice he developed while in the concentration camp with his family in the 40s.

In his seminal work, Rabbi Zalman Schachter-Shalomi described the importance of mentorship in one’s older years, or as he called it spiritual mentoring when he wrote From Age-ing to Sage-ing. (It should be noted that Reb Zalman was ordained as an Orthodox rabbi until he experimented with the “the sacramental value of lysergic acid” in 1962. His experimental style along with the cross-cultural influence, which included feminism and LGBT rights into Judaism, mysticism, and a rainbow prayer shawl he designed, inspired me to reconnect with my Jewish heritage in the 80s.) He traveled with other rabbis to India to meet the Dalai Lama. His holiness was interested in knowing how the Jewish people had survived with their culture intact, a significant issue for the Tibetan Buddhists in exile. If this interests you, read Beyond the Ashes, written by a rabbi ordained by Reb Zalman and Jew in the Lotus, a book that chronicled this journey.

If you read my last essay, you likely understand when I describe the anomalous quest of those of us who need to reach the summit of the Himalayas. Having been a psychotherapist and in therapy myself much of my life, I have had the privilege and opportunity to develop a huge capacity to ride the suffering with the faith that in doing so, I would eventually find liberation.

During the height of my anxiety, my prayer was for PEACE. Reb Zalman spoke clearly about anxiety, how it helps the ego become more translucent and transparent, to remove the opacity so the divine light can shine through. These words hold such TRUTH for me now.

It is my hope that anyone facing adversity find the same comfort I have found during this sacred time. Here is medicine for all who are facing life’s sacred transitions. It is a trailer from Ram Dass’ documentary Going Home:

Advertisements

(Dedicated to Barbara and Leslie, who loved and lost Spectre, along with us. Thank you.)

Remember to love deeply and hold loosely. – Gussie Fauntleroy

Fly Spectre Fly!!

What I didn’t want to cover in my last essay about Spectre was that, although his body was unable to function due to the melanomas wrapped around his jugular vein and intestines, he was not ready to go. When we prepared to euthanize him, we gathered in the remote, upper field – our animal graveyard, where the bodies of our beloveds returned to the soil. Moving a dead horse is not an easy task and the death ritual has to be planned in advance. The backhoe has to be ready to dig the hole, right then and there, to bury him. If a horse dies in a stall, you have a serious problem on your hands.

When Keith inserted the needle to euthanize Spectre, despite David holding him, Spectre boldly tried to walk on. Two men were nearly unable to keep the needle in his neck. Barbara and I stood by in horror at the scene where our veterinarian was trying to end the life of Spectre, our beautiful, mighty Patriarch of the barn. Finally, Spectre went down on one knee; he needed to be completely overpowered to go down. He demonstrated to me what the body is capable of: that the body wants to live at any cost, whether it has melanomas strangling organs from the inside out, or not. In looking back at the trauma of the spectacle, I saw Spectre’s warrior nature. I saw his power and I saw his terror. With Spectre’s strength, he could have overpowered us, but he just walked on – always a gentleman. Spectre didn’t go gentle into that good night.

In my last blog, I did not talk about the emotional cost of keeping my body alive. I did not talk about the intermittent, insidious bladder spasms that often leave me soaked in urine that inevitably accelerates skin breakdown. I don’t like to complain about the small stuff; I just do my version of walking on. I believe much of my suffering so far has been necessary, humbling me, stripping me to my basic core. I have learned that when I can love myself with this illness, I can love myself wholly and in that way, the process becomes a holy practice. The true love of my life has been my inner work which extends to my work with others, so they can also access that holy state of being. This illness has served my highest soul’s desire and for that I am deeply grateful. I am not special; it is just my time and I have said yes to the Universe. Everybody will, in one’s own time.

When I listen deeply to my bladder, I hear that it is trying desperately to expel the catheter, the foreign object that has invaded it for the past six years. In the vernacular, my bladder is pissed off. When I realize this, I have compassion and know that my body is not my enemy, but my advocate, and a damn good sport at that!

I didn’t mention my extreme diet and protocols I have followed for the last thirty years – the daily green smoothies I force myself to swallow, knowing that they make my skin more resilient to heal the inevitable pressure sores from sitting twenty-two hours a day and the multiple injuries I am sustaining more frequently, due to my body’s increased structural weakness. The disease progression continues, despite my efforts to enter remission. I am constantly strategizing on how to prolong my life, while lessening the suffering. For me, it is a Sacred practice chosen by my soul. I know that, because my ego would never freaking choose this!

I refused the traditional MS drugs, because I did not want to suppress my immune system, which was the best the medical profession had to offer this unrelenting, mysterious illness they call primary progressive multiple sclerosis, or PPMS, and have no clue how to treat. I searched for healing on three continents over twenty-five years, both alternative and allopathic. My main criteria was that it had to resonate as true healing, not tricking the body. In retrospect, many of my friends who attempted the mostly ineffective MS drugs have more debilitating symptoms today, due to the disastrous side effects, without having slowed the disease process, as promised. I don’t feel righteous or resentful; I feel tremendous heartbreak watching the physical devastation unfold in those I care about and for those who courageously watch mine.

We are all just walking each other Home – Ram Dass

Ram Dass says, when we live more from our souls, then death becomes just another moment. As we become initiated by life: either due to body breakdown through illness, injury, aging, death of a loved one, or even our beloved pets dying when we are young, we learn that we are more than this vehicle we call our body. As we meet our initiations and move through the anger and fear, we can begin to live more from our Souls.

If my beloveds experience me only as my physical presentation, the loss is devastating. If we have a soul connection beyond the physical my process can also be awe-inspiring, because paradoxically, as my body deconstructs, my spirit grows, exponentially. I am left with gratitude as it has helped me grow patience in accepting my circumstances with Grace and dignity. (If you are reading my blogs, you are likely in the latter category and you are being initiated right along with me. Thank you for that. It is clearly the road less traveled.)

We tried any experimental drug available on Spectre. Like progressive MS, there is no treatment for progressive equine melanoma, at this time. We would have extended his life at any cost, however I am now learning that more time does not necessarily equate with more quality of life. I came to realize that by prolonging Spectre’s suffering, I was avoiding my own grief at his expense, not an easy realization to hold.

Fortunately, for our animal friends we have euthanasia to help them avoid needless suffering. Some of my Buddhist friends reject its use believing that all suffering, in animals and humans, is necessary for our evolution. Every animal communicators (those gifted individuals who can speak to our beloved animals “on the other side”) whom I’ve read, or spoken to directly about euthanasia, have, unequivocally, expressed our animal’s gratitude to the humans for helping to end their suffering.

I believe animals are here to teach us humans. Many states have begun to offer aid-in-dying, which is popular with over 60% of the people. The qualification process is arduous for those facing death, but empowering once completed. Now we have the choice to discern what resonates for each of us as ethical and true to help our physical bodies come to completion, gently.

Six years ago I was told that my kidneys were going to fail if I didn’t allow a urinary catheter to be inserted permanently. I agreed, because I had places to go and people to see! There is a cost for going against nature; the contraindications need to be considered. My bladder revolts at times resulting in spasms (mentioned above) and urinary tract infections. Constant use of antibiotics can result in resistance leading to superbugs. Kidney failure, aspiration pneumonia, and sepsis are common causes of death, when allowed to follow the natural progression of the illness. One doesn’t die from MS, one dies from “complications from MS.”

As we evolve as a culture and there is less fear around death, more options for supporting this sacred transition are becoming available to ease one’s suffering. When the body is ready to complete itself and turn from the physical toward the soul for animation, other initiates will appear. Perhaps they will be in the form of friends, family, those being trained as death doulas and midwives. As the Feminine rises, there will be less fear around choice, and the desire to control other people’s bodies will be seen as archaic.

There is a time to walk on and a time to take a knee in surrender to the soul’s desires. May we be granted the Wisdom to hear our  inner guidance and the Courage to follow our own Truth.

VISIT THE BLOG FOR MY NEW BOOK – MEET ME BY THE RIVER!

Go to - http://www.meetmebytheriver.net -- And you can find it on Amazon!
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. more...

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 114 other followers

Advertisements