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Where are you? Here. What time is it? Now. How are you? I’m okay. – Questions Ram Dass suggests during a time of crisis.

Our bodies are finely tuned instruments, whether they behave the way we would like, or whether they are following instructions beyond our ego’s desires. Someone who healed from multiple sclerosis once told me, “Our bodies are desperately trying to heal.” At that time, I wondered why the hell mine wouldn’t. I just knew that if I could heal I would, but something greater must be at work. Nevertheless, I felt betrayed. The feeling that my body was not in sync with my desires and understanding the trajectory of where this could go were more than I could bear at that time.

During my early years, my body was merely a means to an end. I had little communication or relationship with this sacred vehicle that would carry me through life. I had little understanding of how to care for, appreciate, and love this apparatus on which I relied so dearly. Not until my body showed symptoms, did I truly begin to listen.

I was born with an interesting paradox, astrologically. On one hand, I was born under the sign of Cancer. People born in July are often deeply loving, nurturing people, and often with a fear of rejection and, therefore, can have a tendency to sidestep issues, like a crab that walks sideways. I also was born with a fierce determination to meet things head-on and with the inclination of a revolutionary (Mars and Uranus conjunct the Cancer Sun). Learning to harness the latter energies and lean into the former were many of my struggles during my early years. Becoming a competitive athlete was natural to me; harnessing my will and dealing with my fears and oversensitivity were more of a challenge. Some people believe they are limited by their astrology, but I believe we  consciously choose these constellations to help us go beyond the limitations with which we entered this incarnation. Contrary to some beliefs, we are not born as a blank slate, we have Work to do and astrology can be a roadmap for that work.

In the late 80s, when subtle neurological symptoms began to occur I felt immobilized. Fear had taken over and I was afraid to move forward. I remember awaking one morning, still groggy from sleep, and hearing the words, With the symptoms come the Renaissance. I looked in the mirror attempting to ground myself, “What does Renaissance mean? Rebirth. With the symptoms come the rebirth.” I don’t know where this message came from, I just knew I couldn’t forget it. Still immobilized with fear, but with this new possibility, my very intuitive and direct 10-year-old daughter, sensing my trepidation, said to me, “Mom, you need to get a life!” With guidance from unlikely sources, I decided to do just that.

I began singing lessons with a well-known soprano from the St. Louis Cathedral choir. The crab in me wanted to hide, but another part wanted revolution, liberation. I had the intuitive knowing that singing would open my throat center, the area where self-expression can be blocked. To this day, I have a fear of speaking out, a fear that what I have to say will, somehow, hurt another. Causing others pain would inevitably lead to my primal fear of rejection. During the early days, I learned to temper my authentic power and developed an artificially sweet voice to compensate for the overwhelming anxiety. The blockage was clearly centered in my throat.

With this awareness, I gradually learned, ordeal after ordeal, that rejection from others was impossible when I could rely on my own resources; I could trust myself and my internal guidance. No longer being tethered to others elicited a freedom I had never known before this body journey. In my case, I was to learn over many years that illness was a course correction. Many people feel betrayed when their bodies behave incongruently with their wants, but the body has an intelligence that is following instructions beyond the ego. If we befriend our bodies and listen deeply with extraordinary courage, we can open to guidance that heals our souls. Renaissance is possible, if we trust a power greater than ourselves, with faith and gratitude.

This path has not been easy, but I don’t think we come here for easy, especially during this time in history. Recently, I woke up at 3 AM gasping for breath. This episode went on for three hours! I wondered if this was just another symptom I would have to accept, as I cried in desperation. After a few hours, I realized I had some difficult issues to discuss with someone close to me, that my primal fears were triggered and I remembered my voice lessons. (It was during my voice lessons that the symptoms began.) Our bodies know.

What if, instead of accommodating the symptom of breathlessness, I leaned into it, listening to the blockage in my throat and what it had to tell me? Perhaps, if I could do this, there would be no need for the symptom. Once I finally faced this fear head-on, I knew I would not have trouble breathing, again. It was miraculous how free of fear I felt, because I listened to my body’s wisdom.

Sometimes, listening to the body doesn’t tell us what our ego wants to hear. I’ve heard loud and clear that my body is manifesting a teaching much greater than a fear of speaking out and that this rigorous curriculum is not for me to understand fully while I am embodied. This can be particularly true when the curriculum involves a catastrophic illness or injury. It is during these times that we enter the Mystery, where Grace becomes a real possibility.

By opening to our body’s wisdom, we can begin to open to a sense of well-being that is beyond this earthly realm; it is on the level of the soul.

“One world is dying, and another is being born. Let us attend to both with compassion.” Marianne WilliamsonDan-and-Terri-in-MauiSMALL

Terri Daniel became a friend in 2011 after I read her fascinating journey with her son Daniel. At ten, Daniel was diagnosed with a rare neurological illness, much like ALS. Terri was his primary caregiver for the remaining six years of his life. For the last two Daniel could not speak. Terri learned to communicate with Daniel telepathically, so that after he transitioned at sixteen, the communication resumed and they have now written three books together.

Their first book, Swan In Heaven affirmed a revolution in me that was well underway, internally. Daniel disseminated profound teachings, one of which has informed much of my understanding of my process of late. Daniel described a “mirror image” process, where when one dies and their breathing diminishes, on the other side the diminished breath manifests as light. So as the breath from the human body dissipates, the light gets stronger in Spirit, “until the last breath closes one door and opens the other.” I have realized that as my functioning decreases in this denser form, my Light is increasing in function and Beingness. For me, the apt metaphor is one of being birthed. The only experience I can compare this to what is watching a filly being born on our horse farm in Louisiana. With each contraction, the filly was more a part of our realm.

My respiration is greatly diminished, but my Spirit is getting stronger every day. The home health nurse is always astonished at the shallowness of my breath. Also, living at 8000 feet altitude diminishes my breath even further. The introduction of any errant bug can be the catalyst for my transition at any moment. Living on the edge has its challenges and its rewards. The more I reflect on the latter, the more regenerative and joyful my life is.

Moving toward one’s end-of-life can be traversed abruptly or slowly. Some people believe how one proceeds is predetermined prior to incarnating. How free will can interplay with this predetermination can alter the trajectory. We are just beginning to understand what can be called the last frontier.

Exploring my feelings surrounding this transition can bring varying degrees of fear and panic, until I realize everybody does it. We are all birthed into this physical existence, like the filly and we are all birthed out. They are the most natural processes. If you believe in reincarnation, which I do, I have probably done it hundreds, maybe thousands of times. Amnesia, chosen on a soul level, makes it seem new every time, allowing the teachings to be integrated on a deep level.

Thinking about who and what I am leaving brings tremendous grief in the limited knowing sphere. I completely believe that we really don’t go anywhere, we just vibrate at a higher frequency, making it harder to perceive. I told my children they will just have to learn to listen better. Terri learned to listen to Danny better. Imagining where I am going, seems adventurous. I have had a vision from long ago of an amphitheater on an ocean that feels familiar. I know this is a sacred place beyond this frequency. I just know it. I have always felt there will be a great celebration when I cross over and there will be much support, as I will continue to be a support for my loved ones, family and friends.

When I remember to focus on my destination, I become joyful. I am thankful for the sacred trailblazers who are compassionate enough to show us the Way.