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To love fully and live well requires us to recognize that we do not possess or own anything – our homes, our cars, our loved ones – not even our own bodies. ~ Jack Kornfield

A very close friend of mine told me when her son was dying, droves of people wanted to come to visit him, but he had limited energy for visitors, which left her conflicted. Their hospice nurse explained to her, “It’s like your son is the guest of honor at a party and its rude to be the first one to leave. The presence of your friends, because of the love between you, forces him to go beyond his limits to attend the party. So you have to end the party.”

The party can mean different things to different people. For me, connecting with people means sharing where I am and seeing where they are and being there for each other. I am interested in others’ processes and cannot help myself from continually looking for an opening to strengthen our connection by identifying obstacles to self-awareness and self-love. After all, it’s been my work my whole adult life, however, at this point, at the end of my life, this practice is too other centered when I’m needing all of my dwindling life force to be more Self oriented.

This party metaphor really hit home for me. Not only is my friend a hospice chaplain, but she has been initiated by Death and also deeply initiated by what lies beyond the doorway called death. Her son died at sixteen and this experience did not destroy her; on the contrary, it was a springboard for her to experience different dimensions. We do have different curricula, don’t we? And we do draw those people to us we most need in our life to help take us to the next step in our development. If interested, she tells their story in A Swan In Heaven: Conversations Between Two Worlds.

I have many reasons to want to stay in this dimension. I have so many Beloveds wanting connection with me, deep connection. I feel insensitive wanting or needing to leave the party. And believe me, this body is not holding up so well.

Last night I finally said it, “I don’t feel like I belong here anymore.” And there it was. This no longer feels like my Home. My body is turning into bones with little connecting the bones. Still, I am reluctant to leave. Who wants to end their party, especially when we live in the illusion that we are truly losing something dear?

As I explore my reluctance, I see how many things I have completed in the last three months. If I listed them, it would exhaust you. Although I am confined to a body that is extremely restricted, I have learned that I am much more than my body. And that part of me has been: joyfully connecting with Beloveds, completing more and more legacy defining projects, and even forging new relationships.

Concurrently, I am getting increasingly more excited to see my Beloveds on the other side and they are getting increasingly excited to receive me. Still, what is before me is familiar and where I am going is unknown.

I am seeing that many people visit me with different intentions and expectations. I tend to want to meet all their expectations, to focus on their needs over mine; then I find myself completely exhausted. Many are unaware of their own unconscious intention to keep me at the party. Who wouldn’t? I am an awesome person, a good friend, and an interesting character with a good sense of humor when I don’t take myself so seriously, which is becoming more of the time. Still, staying at a party after it has peaked is not in good form.

Staying at the party after the musicians have left and the food is put away just because it is hard to say goodbye, to me is an avoidance of what is, a rejection of the natural process, or worse, a refusal to truly be with myself and my circumstances with honesty and courage.

My body is shutting down. There is no ambiguity about that. My Home is shifting, my breath is becoming much more shallow making it difficult to even write, my last creative outlet. Large parts of the day, I cannot even communicate audibly. I have stomach pain most of the day due to gastroparesis, the shutting down of the upper digestive system; the lower shut down years ago. And, I feel sleepy much the time.

One of the greater disappointments I feel at this time, besides “leaving” my children and grandchildren, is where my effectiveness in working with others has become so fine tuned, that all I need to do is say a few words and there is spontaneous change and transformation in the other person. After a lifetime of service, it has taken much inner work to get to this place of working with others so effectively. I have been questioning why I couldn’t stay to help when it is most needed? I have just been sitting with this question.

A few days later, I had the last event of my life in my home. My intention was to offer a profound Shamanic Journey by Peter May to a few people who had been reaching out to me, but I didn’t have the energy to receive them. Jordan and Emily have been here for the past month to care for me at this time and I thought this would care for them, as well. During the journey, I heard an amazing answer to my question. I heard, “When you are fully in the other vibration, you will be of more service than you ever have been while embodied.” As soon as I heard this, I knew it to be true.

Being between the worlds is a profound, sacred, yet awkward place to be with more uncertainty than I’ve ever encountered. May I be here in Grace.

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The task is not to live our life in which we never got our hearts broken. The task is to become larger with each heart break. – David Whyte

In a past essay titled Mountain Metaphor, I described Michael Brown’s brilliant metaphor about life choices. Click here for the original or below is a [paraphrased] excerpt:

Some people feel deeply drawn to the Himalayan Mountains, so much so that they might have a photograph of the mountain range on their refrigerator and they are happy with that level of appreciation. Fewer people might have a picture book of the Himalayas on their coffee table and they are happy with that. Even fewer travel to India to see the Himalayas in the distance and they are happy with that. Some will go to base camp at the foot of the mountains and they are happy with that. Still fewer will have to hike all the way to the summit. Going to the summit is not for everyone. It is important to hear this with no judgment, no right or wrong, no hierarchy. People merely have different needs and capacities during their lives, different soul plans in each lifetime.

Recently, a dear being died after a prolonged struggle with multiple sclerosis after living a life of deep contribution, especially to young people. Since our first conversation in 1990, she has been in my heart and just a few steps ahead of me in this illness curriculum. While in my 30s, she was the first person to affirm my greatest fear, that my subtle neurological symptoms were likely early signs of MS. There are worse things to get than MS, I remember her telling me knowingly, because she had been diagnosed a few years before. Somehow, it was easier hearing this from her, someone who was, part of the club to which she would sadly welcome me when I was diagnosed at 50, than a doctor who was emotionally removed and outside of the club I now had the dubious distinction of being an intimate part of. As her illness progressed, I observed her Grace as the fear of my future grew, exponentially. For many years doctors told me my concerns were nothing, that I should just get on with my life. If I had known then, that this was the most progressive form of this neurological illness they call MS, and that there was absolutely no treatment, I don’t know how well I would have lived my life. I eventually stopped going to doctors who were, many inadvertently, peddling false hope in the form of pharmaceuticals with scary, permanent side effects. It would be many more years before I could find my own Grace and eventually Gratitude for this arduous curriculum. Today I am grateful to my friend and others I have come to know who have blazed the trail for me. This essay will explore how friends and their beloveds can help each other through the most perilous parts of our journeys if we can be open to the changing forms.

When my husband who had been with me prior to my diagnosis, during my diagnosis, and after my diagnosis, left our marriage after we moved to a new home in a new state, I was emotionally devastated. He had always been a fixer and when it became clear that this could not be fixed, he moved on. Although I came to understand this as a necessary parting of our paths many years later, at the time I was devastated. (Did I say that already?) At the time, the thought of living alone in a big house, in a new community, with a degenerative illness was more than I could bear.

I was reminded of a powerful and effective intervention in my psychotherapy practice when an individual was presenting with Major Depression (acute depression that leaves the person unable to eat or sleep), because they were brokenhearted after their long-term partner had left them, if they were able to feel the grief deeply and let in the necessary support from others, they might realize that they, in fact, had been the one who left the relationship first, emotionally. With this awareness, their partner had no other choice but to leave. If this can be acknowledged, there is often an existential shift and the grief may disappear completely. The story of having been left shifts into a whole new story of having ignored one’s own needs which unconsciously set up the leaving in order to avoid being the one who leaves. Byron Katie, founder of The Work, a powerful process for decreasing suffering in the world, describes this as the turnaround. If you are not familiar with Byron Katie’s worksheet, check it out. It could change your life.

When I heard my friend’s husband had moved on, it triggered my own feelings of having been left. [Caveat: This is MY projection. I know her husband and he did not in any way move on or away from her. His commitment to her I found exceptional and I have told him so many times.] All of my feelings from ten years ago resurfaced as if it had just happened. With that level of grief, I knew I needed to speak to my friend directly, to go into deep meditation, not too different from what I learned in Gestalt therapy in my late 20s and that is exactly what I did. Whether one believes it was she who came forward, a projection of mine, a symbolic story, or a Guide speaking on our behalf, it doesn’t really matter; I know that the information I received was not in my awareness before this auspicious meeting.

I was able to hear from my friend something very personal that only those in such a club could share. She told me that we had agreed before we took bodies to go all the way to the summit, no matter what the cost. And she continued that we had actually left them, because we had to in order to get to the summit! She told me that our partners had their own paths they needed to follow and that we are all still connected exactly as we should be, despite what our consensus reality indicates. In the past, I remembered seeing a photograph of my former husband’s new partner playing lovingly and joyfully with my former grandchildren. At first I felt heartbroken, betrayed, and unworthy. Then, it occurred to me like a revelation (the turnaround) that I was doing exactly what I needed to be doing! With that realization, all of the grief disappeared and what was left was a sense of honor, dignity, and self-respect much greater than the grief I’d previously felt. I also experienced gratitude toward his partner for being able to be there for my loved ones I’d never gotten to know. My friend reminded me that she and I were, indeed, fulfilling our soul agreement and so were our partners.

During a time of self-doubt, Terri Daniel, an author, educator, and end-of-life advisor who became a dear friend once told me, Your life is an expression of the highest possible commitment to spiritual awakening. I am reminded of that quote by Donna Roberts ~A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words. Thank you Terri, you have been there when I most needed you.

In my heart of hearts, I know I had no other choice but to aim for the summit. She and I had gone to the summit and our partners supported us according to our respective soul agreements. Her husband had once told me that the three of us were in the same lifeboat together. He and I have had many soul-level conversations over the years for which I am deeply grateful. Perhaps she was telling me that we were in the same soul family and her husband used the lifeboat metaphor to express this. Friends – we just cannot do this in isolation, can we?

I am not special. Everybody has their own zenith they must reach at some point in their life or lifetimes. Perhaps our summit is indistinguishable from our eternal Home. Martin Luther King, Jr spoke of the promised land in his mountaintop speech. I want to end this essay with this speech that he tearfully, fearlessly, and prophetically delivered the day before he was assassinated fifty years ago:

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Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. more...

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